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[15 May 2009|05:27pm]

And I am happy :) Just came back from taking the dogs for a long walk. It's sunny and warm outside and I'm loving life :)
2 bullets| trip my trigger?

[25 Mar 2009|06:32pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Talked to a psychologist yesterday and today. One of which is only doing assessments at the army hospital and the other who specializes in pediatric psychology and thinks it's best appropriate for me to go to an adult psychologist. If they think it's helping my stress level giving me the run around, they're WRONG :)

I told the husband either you shape up or I ship out, pretty much. I'm not happy and I let him know as nicely as possible how I feel. Pretty much that I feel like we're roommates, not a married couple. Now that I'm not as upset as I was the last time I posted, I can see more clearly and yet I still know that I can't live like this for the rest of my life. No matter what anyone says, an addiction is an addiction whether it's to video games, drugs, etc. and for the person who is on the ass end of dealing with it, it's not pleasant.

I have 5 more psychologists to call tomorrow. Hopefully one of them is my lucky oneeee..

trip my trigger?

[20 Mar 2009|03:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So lately not really been feeling like myself. I'm not happy with how things are going in my life right now.. well besides school, school is going well. Marriage is.. not what I wanted it to be, I guess. It seems to me like all he does is play Warcraft, drink beer and sleep. I don't have any friends here, really, which makes it that much worse. I just stay at home. And if I'm not at home then I'm at school. My "adventure" each week is to go grocery shopping. How fucking amazing is that?

I can't even have a sense of humor about anything anymore. I just feel so depressed all the time and I don't want to work out (hence why I weight fucking 160 now) or do anything else for that matter. Not even watch TV.

I just needed a place to vent. And I guess this is the only place where I could think to do it. I wish my dad wasn't in Iraq right now otherwise I would have someone to talk to. My mom is busy at work and with her friends. Anddd.. Sonya still has not come to see me and I don't know when she is going to but she keeps saying soon.

So what do I do? I don't really expect anyone to answer me. I just wish I had a life again. One that I enjoy, at least..

trip my trigger?

[12 Jul 2008|09:14pm]
Stay here or go back to Hawaii..?

I don't know.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[12 May 2008|11:47pm]
Washington.. is good.. :) I might be visiting Hawaii next month to see a boooooy..
trip my trigger?

[02 Jan 2008|06:05pm]
I'm in Washington now.

I hate my boyfriend. He's the most insensitive jerk on this planet and I keep getting attached to THOSE kind of fucking retards.. I don't know what's wrong with me. :( Maybe I'll find a nice boy here or something. Who knows.

All I know is I'm tired of people taking advantage of my being nice. It frustrates me how there's so many people in the world who are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make people happy but then it's never ever enough.

I'm tired of arguing, crying and worrying about why the fuck he doesn't talk to me for two days straight. And this guy says he wants to marry me. Fuck him.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[25 Sep 2007|07:07pm]
Two and a half months until I leave.

Is it bad that I want to leave? This is the place where I grew up, found myself and connected with people that I'll never forget. Is it bad that I want to leave my past here behind and that I'm looking forward to starting over where only a couple people know what I've done and who I was in the past? I'm glad Sonya is coming with me. Having her around makes things a lot easier because she understands pretty much everything that ever comes out of my mouth.. and stuff that she knows that I'm thinking but that I'm afraid to say out loud.

Almost everything in my house is packed and as I look around, all I can think is "good riddance and goodbye Hawaii." There really is nothing for me here. For the people who can live their lives sitting on the hot salty sand, not wondering what opportunities there are to better themselves out there.. this is a perfect place. But for me.. I have things I want/need to do. I want to be a biologist or a sociologist and I would like to try my best to help save the world and the things I hold precious in it. I wouldn't be able to do that here.

I've been really emotional for the past couple days and I'm scared that when I leave things between Matt and I will fall apart.. but if that's what happens then that's what was meant to happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I can TRY to repair it if something does happen but I would rather that we just be happy and stay together and avoid unhappiness altogether. Too bad he's going to Iraq.. it makes it even harder to be happy.

I don't have much else to say. I think that I've blabbed enough.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[11 Sep 2007|10:45pm]
It's funny how when family members stress out they take it out on you. It's really stressful especially when they don't seem to notice that I am the one that really has to start all over. We're moving to Washington, a place they know well and have lived in before.. when I was really young. Therefore, I don't remember anything, I have to start COMPLETELY over (with Sonya) and my mom keeps throwing away my shit without asking me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that my father said that if we don't sell the house it'll be my fault? Fuck that. THIS kind of crap is why I'm moving out right when I get there.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[03 Sep 2007|05:07pm]
Washington in two months. I'm nervous.. I think I'm going to try to start over. Matt will be gone for 9 months so I'll be trying to figure out what I want to do with my life during that time. Sucks.. but hey, at least I'm getting out of this shithole they call Hawaii.
trip my trigger?

[29 Aug 2007|05:31am]
Got fired. Had an interview at Officemax and they offered me the job but I want to see how this interview with Borders goes today.

BORDERS.. would be the shit.
trip my trigger?

[25 Jul 2007|12:12pm]
Daddy got a new job and gaaah.. guess I'll be moving to the Tacoma, Washington area pretty soon. I end my fall semester December 14th and I'll be flying out some time soon after that.

Crazy. My life is weird.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[20 May 2007|09:49am]
New Jersey and NYC were the shit. I actually like the east coast a lot. Everywhere has BOMB ASS Italian food and it was nice seeing Matt so happy. Shopping in NYC wasn't as great as I thought it was going to be but I did get a kimono and stop by a GIANT Halloween warehouse. Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to take another nap. Update more later.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[06 May 2007|10:42pm]
If only you could understand that this is not what you promised me things would be like. If you could see it from my point of view, you would know why I'm contemplating leaving. You're no good for me which is what you made me believe from the beginning. Seven months floating around without you and now the pieces of my life are slowly beginning to settle.

I feel more grown up and like I'm more prepared to take care of MYSELF.

I have finals tomorrow morning and it's going to suck. I'm already done with my religion class but English and history are tomorrow.. and English I have to rewrite my fifth essay because she knows I did it half-assed and says that I can do better so she's giving me until the end of June.

I leave for New Jersey this coming Friday. I was thinking of not going because he's being an asshole and acting like he doesn't know me (ex.: never calls or texts or answers my calls or texts) and it's getting on my fucking nerves.. but that's a lot of money to just shove up his ass so I figured why not? If I end up arguing with him, at least I can make good out of the trip and go shopping, right?

But that's me being pessimistic. There's a chance we might get along but after tonight's phone call, I'm not sure if that will happen. He bought me ring.. when I told him not to. We're not engaged anymore because I don't feel that he's fit for being a husband. Not for me, at least. Or maybe it's just me that's not ready? Who knows... all I know is that he bought a very expensive ring and I don't know what I'm going to do when he gets down on his knee with it. -sigh-

I dyed my hair bright red again.. I was missing how I used to dress. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself and I was wondering why. Then.. I realized that I've been dressing and thinking a certain way because I thought it was good for me and to be honest with you, it helped a lot to make me grow up, but the thing is that I need to be ME. Loud, obnoxious, bright ME. I've learned I can be responsible and be my own person at the same time. It just took me a little to realize that.

Anyway.. I'm blabbing. I'm going to rest before I have to head out to my first final exam at 7:45 in the morning. G'night, peeeeeople.
2 bullets| trip my trigger?

[19 Apr 2007|07:24pm]
This is ridiculous.. he's been home for a week and a half and already we're arguing. It's stupid but whatever.

Life has been a little off lately. I applied for a new job making much more money and working less hours so I make the same amount that I make for working my ass off. But yeah.. it's my mom's friend so I'm thinking that it's pretty much guaranteed.

I'll be in Jersey from the 12th to the 17th to visit Matt's family. I'm nervous and I'm hoping that we'll be getting along better by then because if we aren't.. I'm going to be stuck in a place where I know nobody and I'll be completely miserable.
2 bullets| trip my trigger?

[15 Apr 2007|10:35pm]
I should probably posting in here more. No one reads this thing that will tell anybody what I have to say so why not right? I figure I'll be logging on more. I have a lot of things to vent out. But.. for now it has to wait. College homework is kicking my ass at this very moment.
3 bullets| trip my trigger?

[22 Mar 2007|10:59pm]
I fucking do this to myself all the time. UGH.
trip my trigger?

[31 Jan 2007|05:51am]
What the fuuuck.. this week's paycheck was only 186. Bullshit.
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[21 Jan 2007|08:54pm]
I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm in awe of how much I love this guy. He comes home in two months :)

My hair is purple again.. I miss old Candice so I figure why not bring SOME of her back, eh?

Work is hectic. Fold, fold, fold, talk to customers, register, fold, fold, fold. GAH. School is pretty cruise, though. I guess I'm learning how to manage my time because -gasp- I'm actually doing homework nowadays! Amazing, eh?
trip my trigger?

[16 Jan 2007|08:39pm]
I actually really enjoy the classes I'm taking. :) It makes me happy knowing that my life is going so well compared to what it used to be like. Now all I need is for Matt to come home and then everything will be perfect, yay!
trip my trigger?

[06 Jan 2007|04:51pm]
I'm starting to get antsy.. it's been pretty much 5 months already and now we have about two and a half more to go. I miss him a lot :(

I'm probably will be updating even less than normal starting this coming week. I start college and I switched departments at my job so I'll be busy busy busy.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[31 Dec 2006|10:15am]
2 1/2 more months to go.

I'm sick as hell and all I've been doing is working and sleeping. Sigh. New Year's Eve today, by the way.
trip my trigger?

[05 Dec 2006|11:44am]
I am.. a bad person. A very bad person. And I can't tell anyone why, but all I know is that I'm keeping my mouth shut until the day I die. I'm not losing this one.
trip my trigger?

[24 Nov 2006|09:34pm]
It's hard to look at myself in the mirror even though I know that this is what a healthy person looks like. It's hard not to be stick thin anymore. But.. this is for the better. And I'm tired of being hungry all the time.

Eeeh.. about two and a half months down.. four and a half until Matt gets back. He sends letters and I sent him motomail which helps us both a lot. I'm starting to forget what it's like to actually be able to touch it. I just keep reminding myself of how amazing it's going to be when I get to see him for the first time again. I swear to whatever the fuck is out there, I'm going to be the happiest girl on this planet.

Been working out every other day.. and actually, I REALLY like working out. I guess you could even say I LOVE it. It's the one thing that makes me feel good about myself during this time in my life.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[13 Nov 2006|02:52pm]
:( the mailman likes to make me wait for my letters from Iraq.

Mother fucker.
trip my trigger?

[24 Oct 2006|10:47pm]
I miss holding hands and I miss taking naps. It's not even about sex even though people seem to think I'm ALL about that. Just because I like it doesn't mean my life revolves around it. I just miss little things. Cute things.. kisses on the forehead, eating pizza and playing video games. What the fuck, when I'm finally happen, I get all of this shit thrown at me. Guess you gotta work for everything that you really want, huh? I'm just not used to feeling so left out and I guess you could call it unwanted. I'm being selfish though because I know he thinks of me and that I'm a BIG part of his life.. I'm just being stupid.

On top of me being a selfish asshole, I tested positive for tuberculosis and I go in to start my 6 month treatment tomorrow morning. Woop dee doo. Shit.
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[22 Oct 2006|09:22am]
Almost 2 months down.. 5 more to go!
1 bullet| trip my trigger?

[11 Oct 2006|10:30pm]
So.. Ana and I aren't friends anymore.. and I really could care less. Means that there's one less person in the world that can stab me in the back. I'm tired of hanging out with her.. doesn't have any respect for herself and always has to get with my ex-boyfriends. What the fuck, dude? And she doesn't like Matt.. and he wasn't about to go anywhere. Whatever. I like FRIENDS who are actually FRIENDS.. who are really there for me when I need them.
2 bullets| trip my trigger?

[10 Oct 2006|11:08pm]
Fuck, ugggh.. I hate gaining weight. Sara's coming back.. which means I'm going to the gym and that's she's coming with me.
trip my trigger?

[08 Oct 2006|01:16pm]
Haha, it's been what? 7 years and yet Elise is still supporting me like I never left Idaho.

WEEE.. I'm in a good mood.
trip my trigger?

[05 Oct 2006|08:57pm]
Strange how when you're left with nothing and you realize that most of your "friends" are fake assholes.. that your family is right there behind you. I love my family SO much. They're honestly the best support group out there.

Got a phone call the other morning at 4.. I was so happy. He said that one of the guys from newspaper was actually one of his friends and I'm guessing that that's why he couldn't get online or call for a while.. have to alert the family and all before it leaks out or whatever. But I sent off a Halloween package for him the other day and am starting to build up a "collection" of stuff to send in my next package. He likes bowl ramen so I bought him a few of those :)

I don't know if it's good or bad but I'm kind of getting used to being alone. For now, at least. I DO know that when he gets back, life will get back to it's bubbly old self again.

Damn. I'm in a pretty good mood.
3 bullets| trip my trigger?

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